Angel

The last few days have been some of the worst ever. Exactly the days I have been dreading for the last few years. Wednesday night my parents told me they were going to put our sweet dog Angel to sleep because she was miserable and confused and getting worse every day. I nearly had an asthma attack I was crying so hard, pretty shocked because they had already set up an appointment for the next day, my day off, mom's birthday. I knew it would come eventually, but it just felt very sudden. I couldn't stop crying for pretty much 2 days. That night I slept with Angel on the couch because I just wanted to hold her as much as I could while I still could. I did not sleep well. I woke up Thursday and felt so guilty and like I was just waiting to take angel to be slaughtered or something. I kept picking her up and hugging her which scared her because we don't normally do that since she is blind and can't really see it coming. So then I felt guilty for scaring her all day. Me and mom decided to stick with our original plan for the day since the appointment of death wasn't until 4:30. We went to Paper Source as a distraction and then Ninfa's for mom's depressing birthday lunch.

When we got back we only had a couple of hours until we had to go. I kept crying and fell asleep next to angel on the floor. When I woke up it was just about time to go. I held angel and cried the entire way there. I held her and cried harder while we waiting for the vet to come in. She was so scared and I felt so bad for scaring her and her not knowing what was about to happen. We just petted her on the table and hugged her until it was time. It was quick but I will never forget seeing the sedative knock her out and her last few moments of life. I know we put her out of her misery but it was pretty traumatic and I can't get those images out of my head which is why I keep crying so much. I know I would have regretted if I didn't go and last summer when I started thinking about it I prayed that we would be with Angel when she died so God definitely answered that prayer.

I went to Koinonia that night--the Bible study my sunday school class has every thursday. I didn't want to be at home and I was hoping it would cheer me up. It was a decent distraction from reality but I was so wiped out. I woke up Friday crying and cried on the way to work. By God's strength I survived the day and went to dinner with some girls because mom and dad had previous out of town plans for the weekend and I sure wanted to avoid going home to an empty and dog-less house. When I did get home it was the most awful feeling. It did not feel like home without Angel and I felt so alone with nobody there.

I woke up today feeling slightly better but I still cry every time I think about it. Angel's stuff was all over the place and I just had to get rid of it. I feel stupid for being so upset but she was so much a part of the family that it just feels like someone is missing now. I am ready for the parents to come back. There was definitely no denial of angel being gone since I have been slapped in the face with that reality this weekend. As sad as I am I know it will just take time and I keep telling myself this:

You give and take away
But my heart will choose to say
Blessed be the name of the Lord