Many of you have walked with me and my family since almost a week ago through this journey of losing my niece. On Tuesday April 10th, my big sister Sarah went in for her 23 week doctor's appointment, only to find out that the baby no longer had a heartbeat.
I had a bad day at work, got off work almost 40 minutes late, rushed to get to church to get ready for the women's small group I lead, and right when I sat down to eat my dinner and read over the chapter, I got a phone call from my mom. I could hear it on her voice that something was wrong. She said "I don't want you to be upset driving, but I know you would want to know this. The baby doesn't have a heartbeat." My heart just broke. I could not believe it. Could not believe this happened so far along. Could not believe this happened to my sister when her best friend JUST lost her baby boy 2 months ago. When that happened I was SO thankful that my sister's pregnancy was going well and that my niece had been healthy all along. I felt so blessed.
Just two days before I made my previous blog post about going to visit my sister Hannah's grave. The exact same thing happened to my mom at 24 weeks with her. How obvious it was that God had laid it on my parents hearts to go visit her grave right before this happened. So that I would have that blog to read back to myself at this moment. To remind myself of the hope we have in Christ and believe and trust that this sweet baby was already in Heaven.
I had to go to work the next day and I told my manager who is 9 months pregnant what happened. I could not hold back the tears. I am so thankful she was understanding and said whatever I needed to do would be fine. The rest of the day I did not talk about it anymore, I just kept it inside. I knew if I told anyone else I wouldn't be able to get the words out and I would just completely lose it and not be able to make it through the day. Wednesday was literally possibly the worst day of my life. I couldn't think of a day that had ever been worse. So much lately has been going on, I just felt serious spiritual warfare. I felt satan trying to break me down and take me down. Having to hold in the emotion all day just made me sick. A couple times I could've just thrown up. I HATE hate hate being a grownup sometimes. Having to go to work and just get through it and get over it instead of just curling up in a ball and saying forget it I don't care. Being responsible SUCKS. Life is just too hard sometimes. Sometimes I do wish I had one of those jobs where I am just stuck in a cubicle all day, hidden from the world, instead of having to put on a happy face while all kinds of characters walk in from the street and suck the life out of me. Only on days like that do I wish that. Somehow by the grace of God I made it through that day.
By God's sovereignty I was actually already scheduled off for Thursday. I pretty much had a breakdown when I got off wednesday because I was so stressed out. I was responsible for grilling a bunch of food for koinonia Thursday for a goodbye dinner for one friend and a welcoming back of another friend who just lost her mom 2 weeks ago. All I wanted to do was go home and take a nap and not think about it, and dad was wanting to go up to temple thursday, and I was torn not knowing what to do. I just lost it. I took a nap and made the decision to stay home, take care of my responsibilities, and get some rest. I could not muster the strength to make the trip to see my sister twice. Thursday was a good day. I got a lot of rest, I got to really just cry and cry and cry whenever and however I wanted, I didn't have to hold back. I got to pray on the phone with my sister through tears. Pray for her to be brave and to deliver the baby soon. They started labor basically Wednesday night, and we thought she would have it by lunch on Thursday. God clearly had other plans.
I went to Koinonia that night just waiting for the phone call that the baby had come. I enjoyed good fellowship with amazing friends. My co-leader Drew said a sweet prayer for my family and thanking God for my faithfulness. My friends gave me hugs and asked how we were all doing. It was good. My dad ended up going to Temple that day, and I waited up for him until 12:45 that night when he got home.
Friday I worked. I prayed and prayed all day for the baby to come. Still nothing. Me and dad figured out when we would go up for our trip, not knowing when the funeral would be. Saturday morning I woke up realizing I must have slept really heavy because I didn't hear my phone go off with the text from my mother that said: Brittyn Elizabeth Williams was born at 1:49 am on April 14th. She weighs 14 oz and is 10 inches long. First thing I said out loud was praise the Lord! Praise the Lord my sister's physical suffering was past the worst. I have never been so proud of her. Her body went through so much for days. I went to work with a relief and a sadness, just ready to get up to Temple to see my family.
Me and dad left at about 6 Saturday and went to Sarah and Casey's house. I had the blessing of being able to see pictures of my perfectly formed niece. It made me cry but it was so good. God formed her perfectly, with fingers and toes and a face that looked like my other nieces. She was "fearfully and wonderfully made, His works are wonderful, I know that full well." (Psalm 139) It was like she was frozen in time. I have never so clearly been convicted that a baby is always a life, no matter what stage of pregnancy. I just don't know how anyone could say otherwise!
Sunday was a peaceful day that I got to spend with my parents, my little sister Laura, my big brave sister Sarah and bro in law Casey, and my two cherished nieces Kailey and Makenna. It was so good.
Since I hadn't known Brittyn's name until Saturday morning, Sunday night I made a painting to honor her life. I made it in the hotel room while my dad watched War of the Worlds or something. Besides the fact that I just won't get to see my niece grow up and live a full life, I am SO disappointed and sad that I don't get to decorate her nursery. Good Friday we almost bought the bedding for the nursery but decided we should wait. So glad we did. The painting I made was with the colors her room would have been in.
The words are lyrics from an amazing song by Gungor. Brittyn's life will be made into something beautiful. It already has been. Her life has already honored God.
Today was a hard day but a peaceful day. This morning was the graveside service at 10 am.
My morning started out like a disaster. Well dad and mom's too. Dad forgot his dress shoes and his suit jacket. My right contact in my eye tore in half inside of my eye and it hurt like nothing else. It took all 3 of us about 15 minutes to get it out, and I had to wear my glasses instead. Glasses and crying a lot do not mix so I was a little upset. Plus I always feel less dressed up when I am wearing my glasses. We were almost late delivering some flowers to the funeral home. Then we went to Sarah's house and I gave her my painting and she said it was beautiful. I thought she was just saying that, but then they actually brought it with them to the funeral which meant a lot to me.
The service went very well. I was kindof blown away by how many people came on a weekday to support my sister and brother in law. So many people took off from work to come. That is just a testament to how amazing they are. Their pastor did a great job. The thing that stood out to me the most that he said was reminding us that God is enough. He is enough to comfort us and bring us joy. This life is about Him.
The texts I got the last few days and the emails, the kind words posted on facebook meant so much to me. The dozens and dozens of people praying for us meant so much. My sister's friends who gathered in Kingwood at the time of the funeral meant so much. My mothers friends and coworkers who gathered at the time of the funeral meant so much. We are blessed with some amazing people in our lives and I can't thank all of them enough. God's presence was absolutely felt today.
So sweet Brittyn, enjoy your eternal life in Heaven, filled with no pain and no sorrow but only pure joy in the presence of God. See you when I get there.
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